Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Wanting more

So this is a blog of just Heather's personal thoughts. Feel free to skip if wanted. A few months ago I found myself in a state of total unenjoyment. I wasn't as excited over life, I wasn't challenged and I was slipping into a drifting spiritual pattern. It was unlike my happy side and I was wondering what to do about it. I knew I didn't like who I was becoming and I wanted to show my children that a mom was something worth being. So what to do? With a therapist as a husband one might think it's easy to get my own therapy and help myself, but it simply doesn't work like that.

So I began my own quest. I could find the perfect moment in my life (the one where everything is perfect...weight, friendships, testimony etc..) but how to get back to that feeling. then I found myself picking up one of Andy's therapy books. He always has some laying around. And that did it. I remembered who I am. Who I could be, what my capabilities were. and most of all, I realised...it's okay to be who I am. So I have a little extra on the thighs. Who cares. I can move, jump, leap and hug and wrestle with my children. So I don't have grand conversations with the Dahlia Lama. Who cares. I have the world handed to me everyday in the most simplistic verses from my children who love to live. So I don't have all the money to go on every trip. Who cares. I can get in my car and drive minutes away to our makeshift beach and swim in the river with all the friends in the world I could possibly imagine. So I don't get invited to everything that happens with my friends. Who cares. After all, lets face it, I create half the things we do and they are things I want to do and deep down I know people love me, we just all need to branch out every so often. So I don't get a million comments on my blog (this is for Andy). Who cares. There are so many people who read them and think, look at that great family. I don't need it to be written because I know they think that and that they would write that if they had the time. We can't base our self esteem on it. But lets face it. they're busy. I'm busy, we're all busy with our own lives. So my family isn't around me. Who cares. No really, lets face it. I do care a great deal about that and am working ever so hard to make sure we are around family. You can't survive in a world without family who loves unconditionally. And mine does. My sister is my best friend and my crazy loveable parents would do anything they could to make life happier and more fun. Afterall, who else would letterbox with me in snow and rain to find a lemony snicket?

I read somewhere a quote about how the world is like a box of crayons. We are all different colors, some pointed, some dull, some with scuffed up papers, some with funny names, but we all work together to make a complete picture. That's it. That's the secret

You can enjoy just for the sake of it. It is up to you. Now this book changed my life. Did it make it perfect? No. But I'm learning and accepting and going out everyday loving that I live, that I breathe, that I can love myself. That I just don't care about every little imperfection. Does this give me the excuse to do nothing to better myself? No. But it gives me the right to look someone in the eye who wants to degrade me, call me a jerk, hate me, thinks my body isn't perfect and say to them "I don't need it. I am okay. In fact, more than okay. I'm perfect for being here. For fighting. For being a powerful woman and for doing what needs to be done. whatever that is at the time of my life." I challenge you to enjoy life as well.

10 comments:

Jim and Shelby Caldwell said...

So what's the name of this book? I could probably use it! :) Did you mention who cares about kicking a path through the house? ooh, or having a million wrinkles around your eyes or having your beautiful blond hair turn black with age! :) As long as we care about those people who support, go along with and encourage all your crazy schemes, dreams and TV scenes (mainly me) then what else matters? :) Cross your fingers we can get just that much closer!-shelby

Anonymous said...

Heather-I am such a lurker on your page. I miss everyone in the Fenton Ward, and wish I could have moved everyone with us. I really enjoyed this post. I have had some of the same feelings/thoughts as you, and then realized that I have great kids who love life. I have a wonderful supportive and loving husband, and I need to remember that although my life is not perfect its pretty great and wouldn't have it any other way.

Looking forward to more great posts! Angie

Sullivan Family said...

Heather, your post has me in tears. You are absolutley right in everything you said. And I need to become more like that. I need to realize life isn't supposed to be "perfect", but just as perfect as you make it. I need to love me for me, and not try to love myself for what the world want me to be. I need to tell myself more often that I am a terrific mother, wife and friend. Yes, life has it's ups and downs, but that just makes us stronger. I LOVE that we are all like a box of crayons, that is why my life is so colorful!! And You are "red" in my crayon box. The strongest color of them all. Thanks for being such a great friend. GINA

Unknown said...

And just in case you are still trying to convince yourself that you are really o.k. here is a comment to make you feel better.:) Not that you EVER comment or even read my blog. Don't feel guilted into it. I really have already learned the same lessons.

I am so proud of you from learning all that from a book...I definitely had to learn it the hard way in THERAPY. And, to be honest, I think I will continue to teach myself that I am great for the rest of my life.

It's a woman thing.
Those darn hormones.

Ashley said...

Oh I hope I didn't contribute to your state of unenjoyment. Why is womanhood and motherhood such this rollercoaster of emotions? Your my red crayon too (I loved that, Gina!) I absolutely adore and admire your feistiness and your 'I'm a capable woman and I could fix the world if they'd just do it my way' attitude. What a happier place it would be if all of us could get this perspective nailed into our heads every morning!

Unknown said...

the fun part is figuring out how to do it everyone else's way, but I loved that you got me with the my way attitude. What can I say? I try. The title of the book is
"Wanting More: The challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction" by Mark Chamberlain, Ph. D.

The Lightle Family said...

I just have to say that reading your post helps me put in perspective what I am going through. I have been reading your blogs and feeling envious of your life and you being able to have more children and just an all around wonderful life. It has made me realize everyone has there struggles not matter what and I need to be grateful for what I have and remember that the Lord has blessed me too and I do have a wonderful life too. So thanks, I hope I can be more honest in my posts. You have inspired me to get a blog so ours is thelighlefamily.blogspot.com I hope I can keep up with it. Consistency is not my srong suit. Shara

Unknown said...

I am so happy to call you my friend, Heather. You and your family are such a positive force in our lives and I can't wait to see what a few more years bring! I'm so excited to earn a few more wrinkles(and calluses(sp?))together! Thanks for helping me branch out!

Jeanine said...

I think you hit it dead on...thanks for your inspired honesty. I needed to read that today! Thank you for being such a good friend, you have made a difference in my life.

Melissa Rozeski said...

Hey. I need that book. I am feeling many of those same feelings and trying to accept the place where I am in life. Thanks for the reminder!