Thursday, November 17, 2011

and what am I supposed to learn?

13 years we've struggled with the pain of infertility. pain that can not be described, only lived through by those who have to. There are many nights of thinking what did we do wrong? why are we not parents? Many nights of accepting God's will and crying out when we just can't.

There have been three miracle births. 3 babies that have changed our lives forever. There have been losses and heartaches along the way but we have suffered through every miserable and soaring minute of this journey.

Until today.

Today I want to scream and shout and rage against a God who seems so far away. I gave everything away and declared that we were done. we felt done. I felt that I had given him my heart so many times to have it squashed that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Everything baby was kicked to the curb and put out of my life. I grieved and mourned and raged against not having control over my life and watching innocent children being murdered and beaten when Andy and I would have given them love. But I moved on. I MOVED ON...

And then, a spark. a thought inside that said if we wanted another we could have it. that it could be my choice. And so trusting in that tiny hope I opened my heart one last time. And I literally mean one last time. Andy and I ditched the protection and I believed and prayed and hoped and felt confused by my hope since I wasn't really sure if I could handle a baby and the sheer craziness of it all since we had already given everything away.

But that spark of a thought. so we gave in one night. After 13 years of infertility we knew that it would take more than one night but I was only willing to give one night because that was all my heart could take.

And a miracle happened. We got pregnant. I was overwhelmed but got more excited with every day. We planned how to tell the kids and family and all our friends. I bought another set of maternity clothes.

I got blessings that confirmed that this baby would be worth the extra wait, that this was our miracle and that it was okay.

Okay to trust and hope and believe again with my full heart. And so I DID

and today?

well today I am no longer pregnant and my heart is empty and I hope, desperately hope that I can believe in something when this day is over.