Thursday, November 17, 2011

and what am I supposed to learn?

13 years we've struggled with the pain of infertility. pain that can not be described, only lived through by those who have to. There are many nights of thinking what did we do wrong? why are we not parents? Many nights of accepting God's will and crying out when we just can't.

There have been three miracle births. 3 babies that have changed our lives forever. There have been losses and heartaches along the way but we have suffered through every miserable and soaring minute of this journey.

Until today.

Today I want to scream and shout and rage against a God who seems so far away. I gave everything away and declared that we were done. we felt done. I felt that I had given him my heart so many times to have it squashed that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Everything baby was kicked to the curb and put out of my life. I grieved and mourned and raged against not having control over my life and watching innocent children being murdered and beaten when Andy and I would have given them love. But I moved on. I MOVED ON...

And then, a spark. a thought inside that said if we wanted another we could have it. that it could be my choice. And so trusting in that tiny hope I opened my heart one last time. And I literally mean one last time. Andy and I ditched the protection and I believed and prayed and hoped and felt confused by my hope since I wasn't really sure if I could handle a baby and the sheer craziness of it all since we had already given everything away.

But that spark of a thought. so we gave in one night. After 13 years of infertility we knew that it would take more than one night but I was only willing to give one night because that was all my heart could take.

And a miracle happened. We got pregnant. I was overwhelmed but got more excited with every day. We planned how to tell the kids and family and all our friends. I bought another set of maternity clothes.

I got blessings that confirmed that this baby would be worth the extra wait, that this was our miracle and that it was okay.

Okay to trust and hope and believe again with my full heart. And so I DID

and today?

well today I am no longer pregnant and my heart is empty and I hope, desperately hope that I can believe in something when this day is over.


Shuldberg said...

Oh Heather...I am so sorry. I am so sad for you. I wish I knew what I could do to help or know the right thing to say...but I don't. I have been trying to think of something to show you I care about you and be the person who 'knew exactly what you needed'. I hope you find comfort during this time. I know that I am hurting with you. I love you my friend.

Shelley said...

Oh Heather My heart is aching for you. I just happened to read your blog. I am crying for you. I wish I had words of great wisdom to offer you. But I don't. I do know He cares he does know your desires and knows your heart. These trials are not for you to bear alone. He will lift you and strengthen you. I know this if that is all I can give you. I love you and so wish I could take this hurt and pain away from you. I do believe that these little ones that you have lost are part of your eternal family and you will meet them someday. Love you

Brooke said...

I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you and your smile and your laugh. I've read your blog kind of kept up with you guys because I remember your smile and your laugh. Our family has struggled lately also with different circumstances, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you because I know that Heavenly Father is listening to me when I do. I know you know he hears you too, but I know that he will hear my prayers for you and that prayer changes things because we have experienced it over and over lately especially and even when I was cursing at God, he was blessing me. I'll just tell you that you are unforgettable and that there is nothing I can say to make you feel better today or tomorrow, but I remember you and I KNOW that your Father in Heaven remembers you and will not forget that he has promised to give you only what you can handle. (((hugs)))

Natalie said...

Heather- I had no idea you were going through all this at this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you are not alone.
L. Natalie

Heiki said...

This is Heidi Dinehart, from Lubbock TX days. Could I get your email since I have a private message I want to send you?

Thanks....thinking of you.

Kimberlee said...

Heather, this is Kimberlee Stevens from Lubbock. Call me if you want to talk to someone who has been there. Everything you descibed - I have been there. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I know it helps to talk with someone who understands. Infertillity sucks. We struggled with getting pg, staying pg, thinking we were done and than getting those feelings like maybe we should not be only to lose that baby as well.

kimberlee.stevens at