When did this become my life?

I just can't think...

                                                                                can't sleep.....

                               can't imagine...


                                                            But somehow in the midst of my life,

                in the last 3 weeks,

                                             we've lost a baby

                                                                                                 caught lice 

                           and now Andy's department is being dissolved at SLU

                   and we need to move, (and sincerely hoping he gets a job).    



From the city I love so much (there are no words to express how much),

                                 from friends who have changed my life and I will miss dearly
                             

and from my dear family who moved here to be with me

                                                      and I can't breathe if I think about it for too long.


I need to believe that God doesn't punish....


                                                                              I need to believe in something...

I need to BREATHE DEEPLY

and what am I supposed to learn?

13 years we've struggled with the pain of infertility. pain that can not be described, only lived through by those who have to. There are many nights of thinking what did we do wrong? why are we not parents? Many nights of accepting God's will and crying out when we just can't.

There have been three miracle births. 3 babies that have changed our lives forever. There have been losses and heartaches along the way but we have suffered through every miserable and soaring minute of this journey.

Until today.

Today I want to scream and shout and rage against a God who seems so far away. I gave everything away and declared that we were done. we felt done. I felt that I had given him my heart so many times to have it squashed that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Everything baby was kicked to the curb and put out of my life. I grieved and mourned and raged against not having control over my life and watching innocent children being murdered and beaten when Andy and I would have given them love. But I moved on. I MOVED ON...

And then, a spark. a thought inside that said if we wanted another we could have it. that it could be my choice. And so trusting in that tiny hope I opened my heart one last time. And I literally mean one last time. Andy and I ditched the protection and I believed and prayed and hoped and felt confused by my hope since I wasn't really sure if I could handle a baby and the sheer craziness of it all since we had already given everything away.

But that spark of a thought. so we gave in one night. After 13 years of infertility we knew that it would take more than one night but I was only willing to give one night because that was all my heart could take.

And a miracle happened. We got pregnant. I was overwhelmed but got more excited with every day. We planned how to tell the kids and family and all our friends. I bought another set of maternity clothes.

I got blessings that confirmed that this baby would be worth the extra wait, that this was our miracle and that it was okay.

Okay to trust and hope and believe again with my full heart. And so I DID

and today?



well today I am no longer pregnant and my heart is empty and I hope, desperately hope that I can believe in something when this day is over.

These toes cracked me up all weekend. I know it wasn't funny what pregnancy will do to a body but the way they swelled up and the fact that you could dent them in...killed me. Thanks Missy (these are her feet) for the love and fun of education week.

Back to school...2011

3 years, but who's counting?

Griffy woke up to Katie and Baker's sign of celebration. Made all by themselves without any of mom and dad's help :)


February 13th. Griffith Jack Brimhall turns the big 3. And while he potty trained, he assures me constantly that he is my baby!

we celebrated big this year with tickets for the entire family (Plus Griffy's chosen guest Jake and his mom Amy) to see Sesame Street Live. It's one of those things where although we don't actually watch much sesame street, all the kids know who Cookie Monster and Elmo are.



And since we had tickets and Griffy likes Elmo, off we went.
Jake Anson, Griffy, Baker and Cousin Nathan joined in the fun!
This is our second year attending this and definitely what makes the show is the kids! But I have fond memories of seeing Sesame Street on roller skates as a kid so perhaps one day they will remember :)
Here we are, then entire crew after sitting through the play. Way to go Grandparents for coming along :0
And the singing began. Griffy thought it was great to be the center of attention.
And after demolishing Oscar the Grouch, what more could be said. We love you little guy! So far you have been a great delight and so very smart and handsome. You keep us on our toes and you always let us know exactly what you want. We love having you in the family.

And now...

After spending many hours of careful thought, research and preparation, I have found what I will hope will cut back on the whining and crying. Here is my new system.

Based off the homeschooling work box idea, and several million blog posts later, I have chosen to tweak it into a work folder/box for summer. Traipsing around several stores, I think I may have found a solution that will ft our family and allow for the space we need. Each child gets their folder (color coded of course) with 6 pockets and their drawer for me to fill with puzzles, treats and games. After much prayer and thought, and asking Katie what her goals were, and what I wanted to see accomplished, I have further split the pockets into the areas we want to study.

I have looked at curriculum, worksheets, books etc... and have found what I consider to be the best for us. We will be completing expedition earth and Summer Activities by grade level.

So basically our summer will look like this: 1. the kids get up and eat. 2. we will meet together and have our opening circle (including best of days, scripture heroes, calender time etc...) then the kids will need to have their rooms clean to begin on their folders. And here's the kicker, nothing else gets done until the folders are complete. no more whining and yelling, I'll simply ask "Have you finished your folder?" If not they just go back at it.

Their folders consist of worksheets, reading/snack, cleaning opportunities, PE, art projects, computers, typing, cooking, gardening and all things that need to get done or skills to learn or just having fun.

After folders are complete we move onto swimming at six flags (where we have summer passes) or anything else that St Louis offers (which is quite a bit...musicals, zoos, museums, hikes, shut ins, letterboxing etc) and then home again.

While dinner is cooking we will complete our study of animals from around the world as we visit every country during Expedition Earth.

Now I know several of you are thinking, what the heck? Why is Heather doing this, or how is she doing this? But I so excited. I am nothing if not flexible during times that life takes a different path, but I feel drawn to educate my children beyond what the public schools are doing. I know they are trying their best, but I think Heavenly Father created so much wonder and schools only tap into the barest part of it and even then they can't go into the spiritual connection the Earth has to us. And the knowledge we gain here goes with us into the next world so what can I say, I want my children to learn as much as they can.

I know, I know, summers are for playing...and trust me, you know how I am...Half of our lessons will be hunting for bugs in the yard and counting birds and just enjoying the trampoline and the hammock out back, roasting marshmallows and traveling to yet another state capitol. But I am a stay at home mom. I chose that so that I could teach my children all I could of this wonderful world. Now aren't you excited with me? Wish me luck. This will be a grand adventure...